Thursday, October 4, 2007

Frozen

frozen

I have lots of stories to tell, hundreds of photos to show and couple of experiences to share but the main problem is that I don’t know how to do it.

My creative juices have dried down dramatically. I can feel it and its not a good thing. I hate to imagine that my passions are turning into liabilities. I still like to write, to take photos, to travel but the fire inside me isn't same flame I had before. I am getting frustrated in all I do and instead of being satisfied, my stress-level is skyrocketing! And I don’t want to lose more strands of hair!

I’ve been bored lately. B-O-R-E-D. (Thanks to homesickness for the frequent visits!)

Here’s my current state –

On A Poet's Desk During Winter

The raspberry candle
melts the web from unexplored volumes,
warms the green tea in manila cup
--- now cold and stationary.

Paper balls fall from the desk,
avoid the slumber of cigarettes;
the quill remains silent
its ink --- frozen.

I still do read blogs, but I don’t have the words to leave. I still enjoy looking at the amazing photos in Flickr but I don’t know to convert my awe in words. They are scarce for the time being. I still exist though.

Perhaps, I just reach the saturation point.

/totomai
10/03/07

18 comments:

  1. There's a season for everything. Don't worry, you're not alone in the homesickness thing :) It's tough... I call home the moment I feel homesick, or do stuff I used to do when I was still in Pinas, like karaoke hahaha, and walking, until walking became a passion to me, I lost 10 lbs over the summer!!! Winter gets to me. I love snow, but after a couple of months, it turns black and brown, just really yucky. I gotta get a plan because it's coming up soon. My husband said we're going ice skating thw whole winter, he's learning hehehehe... Winter is just a tough time for me. I get grumpy :P

    Don't worry, happens to everybody. Before long, you'd be taking pics again and writing poems and blogs and stuff. Just hang in there. :)

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  2. hi john, even though it's quite hard for me to believe that it could happen to you but i know it could happen to anyone, runing out of words to say, running out of creative thoughts, etc. i do feel the same way sometimes, remember what i told you b4 in thesis writing? writing comes with the mood sometimes, if nothing comes out of our mind, relax, enjoy solitude, for one day in the midst of peacefulness, you'll find out all the right things to write or to say. anyway, i continue to admire your pics and actually, your writing still :).

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  3. @karis, thanks. yes, i do call them too. im trying to overcome this feeling and i think i cant escape from it.

    you lost 10 lbs? e di niwang ka na gid? hehehehe

    taking pictures may come back soon. but writing poems, i doubt it hehe

    @ns beth, thanks. yes, i still remember those words. thats why we tried watching movies than doing our thesis hehe just kidding.

    thanks ms beth, glad you liked the pics. the main problem right now is that i think i am setting a high standards with regards to each photo i take. and really, its not a good thing. it will preempt the idea of enjoyment hehe. whew, i hope im still making sense with this reply hehehe

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  4. Oh I miss Toronto seeing your winter picture :) I loved the snow, but hated it after a while. hehe imagine -28 C. :P

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  5. @geo, i liked snow too. even if its melting. i have a video of me playing in the street, the first time i experienced snow. hehehe.

    thanks

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  6. I don't understand why somebody tells I am bored without following a reason. Would you care enough to share your thoughts? Well if I am crossing the privacy line, then please leave my question as blank.

    If you are really bored, pls. come and visit us :-)

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  7. @Kuya Ben, its a feeling that ive been fighting lately. bored in the sense that i dont have get the satisfaction i used to get while taking photos. while writing. and i dont want that to happen. perhaps taking a break from it would bring out my desire once again.

    im not happy with the photos i took lately. unconsciously, i think i am setting some standards to myself hence killing the fun and enjoyment i have. :-)

    by the way, i cant follow your link. its says, error

    thanks. domo.

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  8. Kulanit na gid ko Mai, pati ah, medyo lang. I'm sure I'll get the 10 lbs back come winter hehehehe. But that's alright, I will be all wrapped up in a coat or a sweatshirt anyway, nobody can tell :)

    I saw you mentioned that you're setting some standards to yourself when it comes to taking pics. Your pics are already awesome! Just take the pic :) You should see the pics I took, hehehehe. They aren't too bad though :P

    How about trying new things? Or just get out of the daily routine for a little bit. Sometimes we just need a little break even from the things we love the most. But anyhow, don't worry, it's pretty normal especially living in a foreign country where things are a little different, and families and friends are distant.

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  9. @karis, hehe kulanit ka na? ako ya nagtambok na. overweight na gani guro.

    thanks kars for the continuous support. hope to see you sometime.

    trying new things? like golf, bungee jump, go kart, hehe, i tried them just to break my habit pero balik diyapon.

    anyway, madula lang ni guro a :-)

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  10. This, too, will pass.

    I always go back thinking of this simple line, which says a lot, whenever I am stuck and feel like living in the edge.

    Reading 'Frozen' just tells the intensity of your inner struggles.
    I don't exactly know the reasons for your boredom, but its really like that and I feel the same way, too, sometimes(or often). I really don't have extra ordinary thoughts to offer for a relief. I can only speak about myself. There are things I feel and I know I can do, but just don't turn out the way I wanted them to happen. And so I feel frustrated. I used to suffer a lot because of that and I still do sometimes. But I need to understand that there is the right time for everything, that I don't need to rush things. That sometimes I need to accept and leave them the way they are ~ my poetry, my writings, my paintings, my life. The spaces in between, too, are needed so I may understand. I have to accept that for now this is the best that I can do. That this moment is teaching me something I could add to my next attempts in writing, in my poetry, in my paintings ~ in life. I am a work in progress.

    What doesn't kill us would make us a better person.

    I always feel being not good enough in what I do. But that doesn't stop me from trying.

    Live your present state, it is teaching you something. But dont dwell in it too long.

    You are blessed to have many friends. I think that would be enough to cheer you up.

    I wish you well ~ Jeques

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  11. Oh, by the way, I love the background music. "I will be there," is one of my favorite songs by Martin Nievera. I also like the song, "I will be here" the version sung by Gary V.

    I wish you well. ~ Jeques

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  12. @jeques, yes, its difficult to put in word these internal struggles hehe.

    anyway, im sorry, i havent been commenting lately in your posts.

    thanks again. yes, its my fave martin song too

    hope you are doin fine there

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  13. You never really feel fine when you're away from home. Every day is a challenge to survive on your own. So as the wisdom said, it is better to live one day at a time. I'm almost a year here, perhaps that wisdom is true because I somehow survive.

    It is more like coping up every day. That's just the way things are.

    Writing is one way of coping. I'm grateful to have my nook to go as my refuge when I have no one to talk to. And you helped me with that.

    I wish you well ~ Jeques

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  14. tukayo, have you actually tasted the snow? i did. it was a bit salty. hahaha... ang weirdo no?

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  15. @Jeques, thanks for that. well, ive been living away from home since 2000. and there's always a point that i feel this way. keep writing :-)

    @tukayo, nope, i havent. i was 26 when i first saw the snow. hehe

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  16. I know. And you know what, I'm used to being away from home even when I was still in the Philippines working in different Islands of the country, so I thought living abroad is no different. But I've found out its different, it's now more than just missing my family, its missing my homeland in general, with all its beauty and flaws.

    I always wanted to live a life of anonymity, but now that I have it, I now miss the warmth and being around people who know me.

    Talking about snow ~ I also have pictures of my first winter. It is posted in my wayn.com file. Yeah, I tried tasting snow flakes. It was sweet to tasteless in my tastebuds as I remember it. I kept my first snowball in the fridge for like 6 months, but it melted.

    The reason most of my friends don't like Chicago is because of its freezing winter. 'Tis crazy of me, but that's one of the reasons why I choose this State when I was deciding to immigrate.

    If you are an artist(I always thought I am), the extremes are always great source of inspiration.

    I wish you well. ~ Jeques

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  17. It's snowing in Bangkok! :p

    Malapit na tayo magmeet, dude.

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  18. @jeques, yup, thats what i thought too before. but after a while, i long for my family and friends hehehe.

    you're right, anything, everything, can be an inspiration to an artist.

    @benj, sana nga mag snow dito. hehe. oo nga malapit na. sana dito ako. pangit kasi kung xmas break din ang ibigay sa akin na bakasyon e. good luck sa debate

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any thoughts to distill?

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