Contemplate

I’ve been in a contemplative mood lately. I am not entirely sure why I feel this way. Was it brought by homesickness? Nope. Perhaps, it’s the fact that I have more time with myself now. I am alone but not that lonely. LOL!

Last Saturday, I went to the wake of my supervisor’s wife, who lost the battle for about a year against cancer. She was 58, a not-so-old age. It was a Buddhist ceremony, a more quiet service than what I have witnessed before. During the wake, I thought, which is more preferable, to die from sickness or to die unprepared. If you are sick, though you can feel that you are losing the battle but at least you can able to say goodbye to your loved ones. There may be an emotional struggle on their part too but they can get it over with it. On the other hand, I have been reading stabbing incidents here in Japan, especially the Akihabara incident, wherein a madman just slashed off the life of some bystanders. I thought, what my family would feel if I was one of the victims. They won’t have any choice but to accept my fate but that would be torture on their part. Right now, I better be sick and die than to die without knowing that I am already a history.

This week, a friend of mine celebrated his 31st birthday. In jest, I told him that he should have a grand celebration because it will be the last birthday to be on the calendar, age wise. LOL! Come four months, he told me to the same too. I am getting old and it’s not good. Haha! I also joined a group of friends for a videoke session. Most of them are on their early 30’s but they are all married. They talked about their families, children, wives. As I observed them, a part of me is a bit envious and my imagination went to a fictional paradise with my fictional family. Deeply, I thought, is it time to panic? But I also think that some got married at a very late age, maybe that’s my destiny too. Getting married at 70. LOL! By the way congratulations and best wishes to my tukayo, who is getting married this Saturday.

On a train, I saw a very old Japanese couple, on their 80’s or 90’s perhaps, walking very slowly but holding each other’s hands. As they moved out of the train, I thought of my parents, how can they go to places they want to visit if their physical bodies won’t allow them too? I am away from them. Is my monthly monetary help enough to compensate the longing they feel? Maybe yes. Maybe no. I don’t know either. As they are my inspiration, I hope they understand I need to work abroad.

I’m on my first month here in Japan working in an engineering firm. I used to work here, yes in the same company, two years ago but due to some personal reasons I resigned. They gave a chance to work with them again. During these early weeks, I feel like a beginner once again. I forgot some of the things that I have done before and my subordinates, whom I got the chance to teach before, are now the ones teaching me. Actually I don’t have any problem with that set-up its just I found it funny when they say that you are the one who made this and that. LOL! That’s what old age can do, forgetting things immediately.

Looks like I’m over-analyzing everything! I badly need a Thai massage. Oh, maybe a Japanese massage.

/totomai
08/07/08