Saturday, November 15, 2008

Solitary

I love autumn but I don’t like the feeling this season is giving me this time. I like being alone, I feel independent. But lately, since the start of the cold season, the atmosphere inside my room is gloomy. Sometimes I feel like the last leaf on a branch. I often try to engage with different activities but still at the end of the day, I am alone.

I’ve been away from my family and been living alone for almost a decade now. But I can’t understand why this so-called thing homesickness is visiting me once again. Or maybe, just maybe, I am a stranger to my own self now. Talking to the mirror just worsen things. So I think I better talk with myself. Am I expecting to be crazy soon? Not really. Its just the season.

solitary

Solitary

The cold breeze starts to bite,
whispers omens and premonitions;
paints abstract on my mind

A hammock sways
lulled by the autumn draft.
Beside, a coffee cup sleeps
while its smoke pales into vacuity.

The jagged walls hide
my reflection,
even the shadow of mine
doubts my existence.

I locked myself up
and accept no visitors.
I wanted to be alone
in a labyrinth of fantasies
and nightmares.

/totomai


The cold season will continue until April or May (including winter and spring), but I hope I will recover fast from these poignant musings autumn brings. But hey, I still love autumn and it will never change.

All I am wishing now is to get rid of this ‘stranger’ totomai taking out some of my persona every time I close the door of my apartment.

Senseless entry, eh? Blame it to jet lag and again autumn.

/totomai
11/15/08

21 comments:

  1. I love your blog lay out.

    And I really connected with your latest post.

    I haven't been living away for a decade, but I've been gone for a year and a half.

    I'm an American living in Korea, and many times I feel alone, especially when I come home to an empty apartment every night.

    Anyways, keep it real :)

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  2. Thanks Ray!

    I think most of us, working abroad or far from our family and loved ones, experienced this kind of feeling.

    I was there last night :-)

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  3. perhaps the oncoming season is what brings us to our own stranger feelings....great layout! :)

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  4. When far from family and friends, even in the states, I often felt alone, especially on a cold winter night. Nice piece.

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  5. I'm with Ray, your layout is awesome. I love the photographs. This entry was very effective with the prose, photography, and poetry. Loved it!

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  6. beautiful blog! I'm a constant traveller too, so I know how you feel.

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  7. I can relate to this post. I haven't lived in UK since the second millenium, and sometimes it feels like a thousand years ago.

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  8. Hmmm, you were never alone. You chose to wallow in your own skin. Get loose, man! Sige ka may monster sa room mo. Hala!!!

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  9. We all feel homesick sometimes even when we're at home. You did a great job of capturing that feeling.

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  10. You did a fine job of defining that 'dying' feeling that oftentimes assails me in the autumn. Stranger. Yes. Very nice work!

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  11. @sis, yup, i know and its strange haha. thanks for liking the lay out

    @b roan, i know the feeling especially if im too lazy to go out

    @sunshine, thanks.

    @lilly, sometimes i hate traveling already haha

    @stan, seconded. its like centuries for me

    @mariale, haha takot lang ng monster dito sa akin

    @linda, oh really, i havent experienced that yet

    @tumblewords, thanks. i know it will be over soon

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  12. tukayo, you may have passed the stage of what they call Quarter Life Crisis, but there is still this Mid-life Crisis. Someone sent me the article. i'm just looking for it in my email inbox(es). will share it to you when i find it. baka yun yung nararamdaman mo. LOL. talagang dapat MID-LIFE na eh, ano? hahaha

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  13. tukayo, ganun ba yun? haha. bata pa pala ko nag sisimula na akong mag midlife crisis haha

    salamat

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  14. Beautiful poetry, I know you changed the tense on the last stanza on purpose, but I think it may work even better in the present tense!

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  15. Oh yes, I did it intentionally but yeah, your suggestion makes sense. thanks.

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  16. uy! emo post! di bagay! heheheh

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  17. the cold breeze has indeed started to bite! love your post and poem..
    -i feel thee as i had a recent bout of homesickness; i gave in and i'm currently at my parents- happy for the time ;)

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  18. thats good to hear doe :-) enjoy your stay with your family

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any thoughts to distill?

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